this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
You Might Also Like
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
These work great until they don’t.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.