This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
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A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”