This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
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Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I’m dying louder than usual today.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.