This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
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I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.