Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”

self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.