“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
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My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Care for your back
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
rest in peas
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.