Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

Places I won’t be going in 2025:

Above and beyond
Out of my way

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.