Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

me: woah real life russian dolls

midwife: get out

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.