Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.