Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?

Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?