Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

Hitlers gonna hitl

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

the duality of man

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down

person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …

The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.

Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.

George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*

George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?