Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:

Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.

Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.

Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking

It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.

“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

But wait…

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.