“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
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Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
A great first step 😂
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.