“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
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Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
“We will wed,” I threatened
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Just a friendly reminder!
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them