This is hilarious….
You Might Also Like
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
No point crayon over spilled milk.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.