This is hilarious….
You Might Also Like
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit