This is hilarious….
You Might Also Like
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs