Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

Best goalkeeper.. 😅

god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

Him: where do you wanna go eat?

Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.

Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear

If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.

– dads at kids’ basketball games

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back