This is hilarious
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Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…