There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
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Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil