This is hilarious….
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Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.