This is hilarious….
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8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.