Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

YOUTH 1: lol

YOUTH 2: wtf

YOUTH 1: lmao

YOUTH 2: ikr

ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”

He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”

When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”

When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”

This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it

People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.