This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
You Might Also Like
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting