Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.

lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”

Good morning to everyone, especially those who see nothing wrong with a bite or three of chocolate cake first thing in the morning.

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.

2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?

Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?

2020: How’s your back?

Me: Damn it!

2020: *teehee*

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t