this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
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My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Oh my God.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”