this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
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Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!