this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
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[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?