This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
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Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Remorse?
I’m pretty sure I didn’t morse in the first place.
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .