This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
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America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
bro what is going on at twitter
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]