this is how the alphabet looks from above
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5 ways to appear taller
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Am I having a stroke?
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
*launders Kohls cash*
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Does it…does it take 3 days
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.