this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
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chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
me adding lol on a serious message
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Some of y’all tomorrow …
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.