this is how the alphabet looks from above
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Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?