this is how the alphabet looks from above
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[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I’m tired tomorrow.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
A male goth is called a broth.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.