this is how the alphabet looks from above
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Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
(grounding my kid) go outside.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.