this is how the alphabet looks from above
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2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
mumsnet is amazing
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos