This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
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For the baby who has everything
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
“Worm Regards”
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.