This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
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What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Netflix and you sit over there.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”