This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
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me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
How software testing works
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?