This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
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When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.