This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
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Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
FRED: right
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?