This is I, Robot all over again
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When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Rambo Rambow
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away