This is I, Robot all over again
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went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Ron is short for Aaronald
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.