This is I, Robot all over again
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Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Couple goals
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
2024 has been a rough few years
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
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oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before