*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
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ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
We have a winner.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*