Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

“Honey, have you seen the cat?”

– Mrs. Schrödinger

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

ㅤ

Skills

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

[first day on SWAT team]

SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”

<door flies open>

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?