Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

how DARE

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*

Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no