Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less

The guy:

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

🤣🤣🤣🤣

[enter password]

“dog”

[password must be longer]

“dachshund”

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

I think Neptune can hear the YouTube video my son is watching.