Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

Oh. My. God.

9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.

Unexpected Judgment

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.

Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.