Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast

Pet toad: WHAT

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out

*first day as a pilot*

Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!