Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

don’t we all

hmm conte-me mais

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?

PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.

8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back