This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
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something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣∧_∧ oh no
( ･ω･) im late for work
＿| ⊃／(＿＿_
／ └-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.