Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

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Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

incredible text to wake up to

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.