Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…

aaaaand I’m drunk.

Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”

girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

ME: i’m gonna join the army

HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad