Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today

I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

Boy never ceases to amaze me

How tf did it end up there?