Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

my mum slapped my neighbors wife and now I gotta fight her son man wtf i’m just tryna sleep

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.

Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

Plot twist

*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..

Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”

Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

“the hills are alive”

“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”

“with the sound of music”

“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”

Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO