Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat

The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

her: let’s make a baby

me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.