Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

HR: Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?

HR:

Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?

HR:

Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?

HR:

Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed

I’m too immature for adultery.

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial