Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

dads on road-trips be like

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

I am all good here, 😂😉

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

My patronus is a cheeseburger

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.