Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…

Maybe there is a secret third thing

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.

Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.