This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
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GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
hmmmmmm
