this is literally a CIA plant
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Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?
The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.