this is literally a CIA plant
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You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Basically.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.