this is literally a CIA plant
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i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand