Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”

Please vote for people who are attractive

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*

Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.

Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.

Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…

Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.

Writer: No.

Disney: Just her mom?

Writer: No.

Disney: Her dad?

Writer: No.

Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?

Writer: Nobody dies!

Disney: Get out.

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava