This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
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[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
Only short people can save us
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.