Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus