This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
You Might Also Like
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
lmaaaaaooooooooo
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]