This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
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“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
what are they serving at kfc then???
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.