Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!

– Bon Schröedi

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.

I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

broke down and did it

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”

What’s a Messi?

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.