“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
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My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have