“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
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Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.