this is me
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Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
Barbie gone wild
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?