this is me
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If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.