This is me 🤣🤣
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If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.