This is me 🤣🤣
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Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Nice try, poison.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad