This is me 馃ぃ馃ぃ
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Me: It鈥檚 time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I鈥檓 hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I鈥檓 driving to the supermarket. Because I鈥檓 a motivated doer.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I鈥檓 not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It鈥檚 15 years younger than me.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
