This is me 🤣🤣
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Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
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TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love