This is me
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Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.