This is me
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Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.