This is me
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The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…