Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

Hamburger Hinderer.

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing

I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.

This is a genius move

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?