Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: How long till school starts?

Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up

#Caturday

Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

[commercial for rakes]

“Are u tired of eating leaves?”

we’re dead?

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

#StillHurts

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”