This is me 🤣🤣
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leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Cashiers are always checking me out
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT