Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

This hospital has everything

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

[Super Bowl Halftime performance]

Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶

7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?

9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

I didn’t know they can drive…

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

i hope my email finds you on fire

The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin

Wednesday

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!