This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
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Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Go gym
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
#IWishIHadNever noticed
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.