Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

Dyslexics are teople poo!

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

*first day of umpire school*

Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?

Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine

I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x

*first day at gymnastics class*

Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!

Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.

Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.