Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

Me when my alarm goes off

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

my professor scared me for a second

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.

not seeing the problem

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite